Persistent Effort Will Change Negative Interactions

This morning I received an email from a colleague asking me, “How can I handle staff members who are argumentative and always have to be right?.” This seemed like a question many of you might be struggling with so I thought I would share my response with you.

When I find myself repeatedly around an argumentative person, the first thing I do is make sure I am not "completing the loop" around their argumentative behavior. If I am allowing or encouraging them, then I am actually contributing to the problem.

Ways that I might be contributing to the problem include:

• Staying in the conversation by continuing to listen even though it is no longer productive.



• Not pointing out that the conversation has devolved into argument and debate, which inadvertently suggests that this is a normal way of interacting.



• Arguing and debating back.

The second thing I do is consider ways to respond in a more discouraging and redirecting manner.

Some things I might say are:

• "I'm sorry. I need to stop this conversation because it has become argumentative and from my experience that tells me neither one of us is truly listening to each other.”



• “Is there a way we can talk about this without turning it into an argument or a debate? I never find that to be a particularly good way to resolve anything.”



• “I am open to discussing options, however the conversation has now become argumentative. I'd be willing to talk with you later, but right now I need to get back to work.”

Finally, during a relaxed time together, I would bring up the fact that we've fallen into the habit of being argumentative with each other. I would tell them how it feels to me, how I am going to work on changing my side of things, and that I hope for better interactions in the future. Here is an example of something I might say:

"When conversations become argumentative, I lose my ability to listen and feel helpless to stop it. How does it feel to you? I have decided that I will let you know when a conversation has broken down for me. I'm hoping this will give us the chance to talk differently. I am very open to listening and problem-solving, so please know that I still do want to work with you about the concerns of the department...but in a different, better way."

Poor habits don't turn on a dime, so we need to be willing to keep changing our own behavior as we wait for the other person to come around and learn how to communicate in a different way. Persistence is key when it comes to improving communication concerns.

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.