Small Talk

It is brutally hot outside, and so this seems like a good time to write about "lighter fare" for this month's newsletter: Music, dance, and easy talk.

I addressed the subject of "small talk" earlier this year because there is great opportunity in expanding beyond our limited circle of friends and acquaintances. It doesn't take much time to strike up a simple conversation and generate interest in a new person. New people teach us more about life and what is possible.

And yet, most of us aren't particularly good at small talk. And a lot of people cringe at the thought of it.

Small talk works best if you can take honest interest in another person. Individuals who are great at small talk are curious about other people and what they can learn from them. They know that every person they come across is potentially quite interesting once you get past the weather or what they did last weekend.

I like to compare ways of making small talk as "treading water" versus "swimming". Filling conversational time is a lot like “treading water”. It's tiresome - we are expanding energy but we aren't going anywhere. It is much easier to swim - to move towards something with a purpose.

How do you know if you are treading water? You keep grasping for topics to talk about. What do you do for a living? Do you have any kids? Have you gone on any interesting vacations lately? Each question seems to die out and begs for a new topic. Or you get weary and just start talking about yourself and your life to fill the awkward void.

What is it like to swim? You ask a few questions until you find something that seems novel or different. Start to follow the thread of that idea and spin it out.

For example, this week a new client asked me if I had any children. Yes, I have three. What are they up to? One is moving away for more schooling, one is still in college and one is in high school. Where is your child moving? What is that like for you to have your first born move so far from home? In just a few questions, he moved from the mundane to something that was new and meaningful for us to talk about. Of course, I needed to turn the tables on him in due time and say "enough about me, how about you?"

I will freely admit that I come from a talkative family and I have to battle my own tendency to enjoy a recounting of my life's latest adventures. Many of us find our own lives particularly interesting to reflect upon. The thing is, even though it feels good to reflect on past events in our life, we are missing the opportunity to meet a real life person who is standing right before us with stories to tell us that we've never heard before. And how great is that? Just the other day, I heard the most fascinating stories about Gambia - because I engaged in a little small talk.

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.