Let Someone Else Be Important

Lately I have been sitting in meetings where strongly opposing sides are trying to come together and negotiate a successful solution. Time and time again, I see people come into those rooms filled with self-righteousness about their own views and indignation towards the views of the opposition. Unfortunately, self-righteousness and indignation don't open any doors, and more likely will close them. Instead of leading to being taken seriously, these two emotions lead to debate, raised voices, discounting comments, withdrawal, or a forcing of one's power.

At the root of all of this is a desire to feel important, and when we feel diminished or disregarded, we fight all the harder to re-establish our self-worth.

Effective negotiators recognize the need for “everyone to feel important”. Take a tip from their book and the next time you enter into a negotiation with someone, switch your orientation from “I am important” to “you are important.” Even if you disagree about the solutions to a problem, you can still validate them as a person. Be the first to listen and instead of just hearing them out, imagine yourself completely on their side and see how the view looks from their direction. Identify the areas that you can genuinely agree with and ask them if they are willing to explore creative ways to reach an agreement with you.

These may seem like simple tips that you've heard many times before. But, I have found that there can be a big gap between “knowing” and “doing” when it comes to communication. The most difficult part in this instance can be getting over our internal resistance to allowing the other person to be the important person for a moment, instead of ourselves.

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.