Coolly Handling Conflict in Conversation

Most people have some level of uneasiness when it comes to conversations around conflicts. A big reason for this is that these conversations can be so unpredictable - the conversation might be going along fine and then one stray comment can change the tone dramatically. Even normal, "everyday" conversations can fall victim to a sarcastic remark or unthinking comment.

Because I facilitate so many meetings, I am used to the wide array of odd comments that people can make. Like many people, I used to be susceptible to "taking the bait". Now I generally just ignore most of these comments and refocus the group back on the task at hand. Hence, I am surprised to see how many of my clients take the bait when they are poked at with an irritating remark. It is like a bolt of electricity goes through their body and they immediately fall into "over-react" mode.

From my vantage point, this seems like such a waste of time. Whatever it is you were talking about is now going to take a lot longer, as a relational problem has been added into the mix. And depending on how emotionally sensitive everyone is, the resulting impact might last for many future conversations to come.

If you think you are an easy target for "smart" remarks, you might try what I call benign redirection. The main idea is to give yourself a moment to calm down and not overreact.

The next time someone makes a comment that clearly isn't helpful, try this. Look at them, with a benign expression, as if you were just casually observing something. Pause a moment and then redirect your comments back to whatever was being talked about before their comment. For example:

Obnoxious remark: "All managers are idiots"
Ignore...pause
Redirect: "So, are there any other changes that need to be made to this power point slide?"

Obnoxious remark: "You are pretty smart for just being 30 years old."
Ignore...pause
Redirect: "Let's review what we have talked about so far..."

Clearly there are many other alternatives to responding to comments like these. But don't overlook the value in letting a comment go by simply not reacting (let alone overreacting).

By the way, this strategy works beautifully if you have someone in your life who is always trying to get your goat. Once they realize you are immune to their slights, you won't be as much fun to razz anymore!

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.