Patti Lind - facilitation - resolution - change Communication at Work - A Monthly eNewsletter

July 2010
Creative Teambuilding

Here is a simple little check-in activity for the beginning of a meeting when people are arriving but not enough people have shown up to start the agenda. It is called Apples and Oranges. Each person shares an Apple and/or an Orange for what is going on in their life that is affecting them today. Apples: daughter graduates this week; just got a new puppy. Oranges: mom fell and broke her hip; car broke down and need to buy a new one.

Recommended Book

Beyond Reason by Roger Fisher. I think this is an excellent book for anyone who is serious about developing their negotiation skills. This book focuses on how emotion plays into all negotiations, what you can do to create a positive emotional climate and how to manage the inevitable stressful emotions that will come up during negotiations.

Newsflash: all previous editions of "Communication at Work" are now available on my website at www.pattilind.com.

Communication Tip of the Month

Patti Lind Ask For What You Want

This month's tip is "ask for what you want, don't criticize what you've got."

The first stop in our brain when we experience a problem is "Hey, I don’t like that!" Many people don't go any further than that with their thinking and proceed to speak from their dislike.

  • "This meeting is a waste of time."

  • "You didn’t include me."

  • "You never compliment me."

This is a less than skilled way of approaching a problem. It will most likely put the person on the defensive and actually strengthen their resistance in listening to you. If this is the only way you tend to communicate then you become a “problem spotter,” which I personally find tiring to be around. It seems to imply, ”Other people need to solve problems. I just find them.”

I much prefer taking the next step and speaking from “asking for what I want.” It will take a little thought to think beyond the initial feeling of dislike or disappointment. On the plus side, it encourages the person to be successful with you.

Listen to the difference from what I listed above:

  • "I’ve lost where we are going with this meeting. Could we write down some of our ideas on the board and compare them?"

  • "I’d like to be included in the future. How can I be more connected?"

  • "I could use some 'atta girls' right now."

Try this out for a week. Every time you feel yourself getting frustrated or discouraged, try out words that directly (and respectfully) ask for what you want. Then, try out a couple of interactions doing the opposite - point out to people what they are doing wrong. Pay attention to how it feels inside yourself, and pay attention to the reaction that you get. I am hoping you will easily see the difference and the value.

Good luck. I hope I don’t run into any of you when you are testing out your “Hey I’ve got a problem with you” phase.

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.
Contact Patti Lind: www.pattilind.com | patti@pattilind.com | 503.775.1662