Effective Communication Requires Words and Actions

Did you ever notice what a big gap there is between wanting and doing? For example, you might dream of being a dancer, but you can't bring yourself to even show up for a free lesson. Many people want to be a good dancer without the social risk and effort. This same tension can be a major roadblock when it comes to using effective communication skills. When it comes to communication, I think we want guaranteed results. Without that, we tend to fall back into the "familiar is safer" syndrome.

Here are the most common excuses I hear as I coach people around initiating problem solving conversations:

• He won't change
• I don't want to hurt her feelings
• He will retaliate by talking poorly about me behind my back
• I will do it poorly and make the situation worse
• She will get angry
• I've tried before and it didn't work

Sound familiar? And yet, we continue to allow the situation to make us miserable. We are venting to others, dreading work, and signing up for communication classes hoping to hear a solution that will change them not you.

The next time you find you are talking yourself out of being effectively direct, change the way you talk to yourself.

He won't change. I'll be honest with you. I know that it's possible, but my own experience is that it occurs rarely. What is more likely true is that the person has some pretty dependable defense mechanisms and people let them get away with it. I find that assertive, relationship-building, persistent communication eventually does result in positive change.

She will get angry, act hurt or retaliate. I worry about this same type of stuff, too. But what I tell myself is, "I'll take the first step and then they will show me who they are. If there is a defensive reaction, I'll deal with that. I'll take it one step at a time."

I will do it poorly and make the situation worse. No one is perfect, especially me. If I waited until I knew I was going to do it right each and every time, I wouldn't have accomplished a fraction of what I’ve been able to achieve through my own version of trial and error. I tell myself that my best effort is much better than no effort at all.

You tried before and it didn't work. So what? The beauty of communication is that each positive effort is laying a foundation for the next interaction. My most challenging communication dynamic took two years of effort to resolve...and the rewards in the end have been phenomenal.

Effective communication is not about knowing and wanting, it is absolutely about doing.

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.