Patti Lind - Communication at Work


October 2009

If you are a leader or professional in your company, remember that elevators, parking lots and lunch rooms are great opportunities to introduce yourself to all of your employees and develop at the very least a "smile and greet" relationship.

I mention this because I frequently find myself in elevators with executives who don't appear to know the individuals who are working for them in the building. And yet, these employees know who they are and are acutely aware of the fact that they are sharing an elevator with someone who controls their paycheck.

When you introduce yourself and take an interest in our employees as people, it creates a positive environment and our employees are more likely to respect and hopefully increase their trust in you.

And you don’t have to be an executive to pay attention to this tip. I have one friend who introduces himself to every person who waits on him at a coffee shop or a restaurant and asks the person their name. Invariably the waitress/waiter is stunned and begins to laugh awkwardly. But what I notice is that it draws great service, builds connection and ultimately is a real day-brightener for everyone.

How to Take the High Road

When I come out to talk with groups, there is invariably someone in the audience who says "I don’t buy this. I am who I am and if people can’t accept that, then that is their problem."

In my mind, that is the lowest level of communicator you can be. "Everyone has to adjust to me, I adjust to no one." And they are usually the individuals who are the most frustrated with their situation, most critical of others, and most unaware of how they are contributing to their own problems.

One step up from that level is,"I’ll communicate more effectively, but only if the other person does, too." From this perspective it is easy to convince yourself that you have “good enough” skills because there are indeed people who you can work and live with. If you run into problems, it must be the other person’s fault, not yours. You tried and it didn’t work, so what else can you do?

This perspective is very limiting because it reduces people into two categories: the people we can work with and the people we can’t. From there it is a quick fall into "if I can’t communicate with this person then they must be a bad or stupid person." I facilitate meetings all the time and I know how quickly people will dislike someone simply because they struggle with communication with that person.

As a communication expert, I try to get people to strive for a much higher level. "I can separate my communication from someone else’s communication and I can make most situations better by making better choices myself." To be at this level you need to fill your "toolbox" with a variety of listening and assertion skills. Plus, you need to develop skills to disengage yourself emotionally from an interaction that goes poorly.

Here are some self-talk phrases that you can use to help yourself take the "high road". I say these to myself when I need to talk with someone I have trouble communicating with:

It isn’t all coming down to this moment.
I just need to get through this conversation.
I can handle this.
Even if this conversation turns out poorly, there are things I can do to solve the problem.

Chances are there is a limit to how long you are willing to take the high road. But the longer you are able to hang in there, the more proficient a communicator you will be. And the more you practice, the better you will get!

Do you have a question for Patti? Send an email to patti@pattilind.com and it may be answered in next month's newsletter.

October 2009